Monday 14 December 2015

Untitled

You always thought that the pain would go away didn't you?
You always thought that, if you didn't think of it, you wouldn't feel it
You were always told, "Don't worry, it will end soon"
It hasn't ended has it?

All you wanted was for someone to understand your pain and for someone to tell you that it will all be fine and that they won't tell anyone.....right? 
You thought that if someone knew, that you would be able to redeem yourself back to what everyone calls "normal", yeah? 
Well, you're wrong.
Telling someone gets you nowhere these days 
Helping someone gets you a little further than yesterday but you always fall back down Thinking the pain was going to go away was stupid because it never does; it just stays there until you feel like your life is nothing but a dying entity
Maybe it stops every now and then but that doesn't mean it's going to stay away
Listening to people might get you their respect but where is it going to get you?
You choose to listen to those who have no experience with what you're going through because those who are going through what you're going through have not quite figured out how to stop it yet. 
But even when they do, are you going to choose to listen to them; are you going to choose to get the medicine to your pain?
Because knowing you, you wouldn't know what to do.

I say all this because I'm going through what you're going through.
I hurt, I cry, I cut, I continuously think that one day maybe someone will cut me some slack and I won't have to worry about it anymore. 
But I know that that day is either really far away or it's never going to come.

I change  my emotions and bottle them up so no one knows what happened the day before 
I cry myself to sleep at night so I don't cry the next day
I hide the pain from everyone so no one comes up to me to ask me, "What's wrong?" 

I don't remember what it feels like to feel loved because the last couple of times I got heart broken
As much as I loved the feeling of knowing someone was there to hold me and to support me, I hated the feeling of them breaking my heart and then thinking we could stay friends because it's like I never meant anything to them
It's like the giant paragraphs and phone calls and the days spent together meant nothing
Like the deep and meaningful conversations never actually meant anything because it's like the feeling of being used 

I know you're hurting and I know you want to cry but you need to listen to me because I know what it feels like

Every day I am one step closer to finding the cure to being happy again

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